Treasure Your Partnership: Celebrating and Honoring Your Relationship

Treasure Your Partnership: Celebrating and Honoring Your Relationship in Drug and Alcohol Recovery

By Kyi Phyu Maung Maung (Michelle) B.A. in Psychology and Dr. Jeremy Frank PhD, CADC

Addiction distorts how we view ourselves and our partner, essentially blindfolding us. We struggle to untie the blindfold as we fail to see beyond our complex emotions. As a result, we often hold on to past images, unable to see what binds us together.

“T” Treasure Your Partnership

The “T” of The ASCENT Approach stands for “Treasure Your Partnership“.

This practice emphasizes the “Us” of recovery. Honoring your relationship is an essential step in rebuilding the connection with your partner. We do this by embracing the uniqueness of our relationship, expressing gratitude, and creating a shared vision of our future together.

Early in recovery, we often wrestle with conflicting emotions towards our partner, which stem from our past hurt, guilt, and regrets. If left unattended, these emotions may fester, and we risk misdirecting our pain at each other. Unraveling these emotions is mainly personal work that needs time, commitment, and strong external support. Though we always need a good friend, this kind of healing often requires assistance from a sponsor, therapist, or spiritual advisor.

Securing a Haven in Our Partnership

Dr. Sue Johnson, a leading innovator in couple’s therapy, states that one of our primary needs is to have a secure emotional connection with those closest to us. A secure attachment provides us with a haven- a safe place to express ourselves freely, establish self-awareness, and develop a positive sense of self.

When we’re in a secure relationship with our partner, we deal with stress and conflict more effectively. This is why we aim to re-establish this secure emotional connection with our partners in recovery. It’s important not to rush or pressure each other to feel secure sooner than ready. Patience may be required while our partner works through some personal trauma.

“Creating strong attachment is like dancing. If you’re going to help a couple get close and learn to really dance together, whether in bed or anywhere else, the key is helping partners experience bonding moments that open them to becoming emotionally accessible to each other.” – Dr. Sue Johnson

Emotional accessibility and responsiveness are the keys to a secure bond. Emotions guide us to communicate our needs and fears to our partners. We feel connected and valued when our partner engages with us and are responsive to our cues. Dr. Johnson believes that emotions are the music to our attachment dance.

Turning Towards Instead of Away

One noticeable pattern in healthy and stable relationships is that the partners tend to turn towards each other instead of away from their partner. John and Julie Gottman, leading researchers in marriage stability, created the concept of bids. These are attempts from our partners to forge a positive connection. It can come in many forms, verbal or non-verbal. “Let’s grab dinner together” may be a bid to spend some time together amidst your busy schedules, and a gentle shoulder squeeze may be an open door to more physical contact.

Trust and emotional bonds build as we notice these bids and attend to them. We need to pay attention. Bids are particularly easy to miss in early recovery. This is why we should make an effort to turn towards our partner and be mindful of different communication styles. One of you may be more direct while the other may choose indirect acts of kindness or care. If your partner makes you a salad for lunch, it may be a bid to offer you a healthy alternative to your instant noodles.

A good place to start is by consciously structuring time with your partner. Grab morning coffee to discuss your shared responsibilities and individual time crunches. Walking the dog together may get you both out of the house talking rather than trying to answer emails while the pup attends to nature’s calling. Planning a game night rather than watching Netflix out of habit is another bid to engage with one another.

Initially, it might feel mechanical, or even counterintuitive, to mindfully structure time together. Over time though, you’ll catch yourself looking forward to scheduling your “Us” time.

Making Your Partner Feel “Seen” and “Heard”

Communication can be tricky. Text messages, email responses on the fly, and Instagram comments are fraught with opportunities for misinterpretation. Effective communication is essential, whether to address past hurts, assess your readiness to change, or manage daily activities.

Before raising concerns with your partner, take note of the situation. Are they about to get on an important call, buried in a conversation about another topic, or there are other people around that would prevent a frank discussion? We should also notice how we respond to hot topics. Do we make a joke, change the subject, leave the room, or lecture?

So, how do you ensure that your partner feels heard? A helpful technique is to repeat the information you hear from your partner. Whether you agree or disagree with it, repeating it in their words, being very careful not to add personal commentary, especially judgment, is key to providing validation. The purpose is to let them know that you “hear” the message they’re conveying. A good approach for understanding and responding to your partner is, “I heard you say that…” For example, “I heard you say that you want to visit your family. How can I support you in spending more time with your family?”

Research has found that perceived responsiveness plays a central role in developing intimacy. When individuals disclose personal information to their partners, they’re more likely to be intimate when they feel the partners understand, validate, and show empathy. When we provide validation to our partner, we convey that their feelings and opinions are important, making them feel heard and seen.

Conveying Appreciation and Gratitude

We often take our partners for granted, unconsciously associating their kind acts with obligation. In truth, there is no obligation; rather, these are acts of kindness, a means to show they care. Whether your partner picks up the laundry for you, prepares you a healthy meal, or puts on your favorite song, all of these are gifts to your relationship and gestures to be grateful for.

“Gratitude is a powerful catalyst for happiness.” – Amy Collette

In early recovery, it can seem challenging to be appreciative when we still harbor negative emotions. An effective way to remind ourselves of the positive qualities of our partners and our relationship is to write them down in a journal. For example: “I always look forward to your long hugs” or “I enjoy our pillow talks.” This helps us develop conscious awareness. The next step is the habit of conveying these messages to our partners. A quick “Thank you for your text of encouragement before my big meeting today” can go a long way.

Some of us aren’t great verbal communicators. Initially, we can notice what matters to our partner and do it for them. It doesn’t have to be grand at all — it can be picking their favorite pizza topping while ordering pizza or taking care of the laundry. These simple gestures may go unnoticed in the moment, but practiced often enough, they become obvious contributions to the relationship.

Dr. Stephen Covey coined the term emotional bank account. He explained that the emotional bank account is like a real bank account where one ‘deposits’ by performing acts that build trust in the relationship and ‘withdraw’ by doing the opposite. Essentially, a low balance in a couple’s emotional bank account could lead to partners questioning each other’s intention or causing a disconnect. By expressing appreciation, affection, and kindness, you’re depositing to your partner’s emotional bank account.

Being Aware of Your Partner

As we become more in touch with our feelings, we become increasingly capable of also attuning to our partner’s emotions. Emotion attunement is a crucial skill of recognizing, understanding, and engaging in our partner’s emotional state. According to Dr. John Gottman, attunement involves six components which can be remembered by the acronym “ATTUNE“: Awareness, Turning towards, Tolerance, Understanding, Non-defensive listening, and Empathy towards the emotion.

It’s important not to confuse emotional attunement with enmeshment. Enmeshment is where we overlook our boundaries, take on our partner’s emotions as our own, and prevent each other from individually growing. On the other hand, attunement is acknowledging our partner’s feelings while attaining our unique sense of self. We emotionally attune to our partner by listening, seeking to understand their feelings, and showing that we’re emotionally available for them. We refrain from attempting to fix their problems but look for ways to support them in assuming self-responsibility.

Curiosity is a necessary ingredient in a healthy relationship. We should seek to discover our partner’s language of love. According to Gary Chapman, there are five different ways of expressing and receiving love: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. What’s your partner’s love language? Do they express their affection by complimenting you, giving you kisses, offering you presents, helping you with your work, or listening to you intently?

Your language of love can be different from one another, but knowing each other’s love language is essential to interpreting the dialogue in your relationship. If you’re unsure, ask your partner about what keeps their love tank full.

Embracing The Differences

No two people are identical, nor will they behave the same in a relationship. You may be an avid planner while your partner loves spontaneity. These differences create friction, which potentially triggers conflicts. The practice of treasuring your partnership leads the way to learn how to accept these dissimilarities.

Ying and Yang are not opposites, but complementary. The key is to find the balance. You may become more open to unexpected joys, and your partner may see that planning helps make informed choices. Your differences become invitations to grow. For example, a spontaneous family getaway may be an opportunity to travel within your budget while spontaneity keeps your life fun and exciting! How we perceive our differences is often more important than the differences themselves.

Creating More Meanings Together

What makes your relationship unique? Do you have a special place that brings back fond memories, such as your first date? What’s your favorite song to dance to? What are the rituals in your relationship? Your anniversary treat may be sharing a tub of mint chocolate ice cream for lunch without counting calories. We create meaning together in our relationship by establishing traditions. These symbolic acts trigger feelings of nostalgia and comfort. During the ups and downs of your relationship, simply invoking these special moments can bring immediate connection. It’s hard not to smile when you recall magic.

As you create meaning together, you also develop a vision for your future. Dr. John Gottman states that unfulfilled dreams are often behind the conflict. Dare to talk honestly about your aspirations, hopes, and values with one another. Your partner’s love for spontaneity could stem from their dream to experience life without the parental control they experienced as a child. Being a dream detective helps us understand what motivates our partners. Creating joint goals fosters alignment and builds confidence in the investment we make in the relationship.

Untying The Blindfold

“Treasure Your Partnership” is about the renewal of love. It’s honoring your relationship and treasuring the gifts that come with it while adding more meaning to the relationship that is uniquely yours. As you heal your relationship, you’re untying the blindfold imposed by addiction. You’ll “see” and “hear” your partner for who they are today while being free to grow into the best version of themselves. Embrace their quirks and yours. Share their dreams and follow yours as you grow confident in your ability not only to rekindle your love for one another but create new ways of being in love together.