Nurture Your Spirituality: Break the Reactivity Chain in Your Relationship to Sustain Recovery
By Kyi Phyu Maung Maung (Michelle) B.A. in Psychology and Dr. Jeremy Frank PhD, Certified Alcohol and Drug Counselor and Clinical Psychologist
Addiction is referred to as “a crisis of the soul.” Addiction and codependency string us along with emotional suffering, making us become so enmeshed in each other’s lives that we begin detaching from ourselves and our souls. See how spirituality supports couples going through recovery.
“N” Nurture Your Spirituality
The fifth letter, N, of The ASCENT Approach represents Nurture Your Spirituality. We nurture our spirituality in different ways: going to church or synagogue, joining a 12-step fellowship, journaling, praying, taking a walk in nature, meditating, doing yoga, or volunteering. The practice essentially calls for knowing and engaging in what brings us peace, hope, and comfort.
In the context of recovery, spirituality is being connected to something bigger than ourselves, such as a higher power, humanity, or nature. But, spirituality is not one-size-fits-all; it’s a personal pursuit. We assign meaning to our spirituality as we maneuver through life. Couples need to ask each other two essential questions: “What does spirituality mean to you?” and “What do you need to grow your inner peace?”
You may find that people often interchangeably use the terms “spirituality” and “religion.” The association between “spirituality” and “religion” may be natural to some people but may also cause negative or mixed feelings in others. Religion generally refers to a specific set of beliefs and practices shared by a group. On the other hand, spirituality tends to refer to an individual practice that consists of caring for your soul and finding what offers you guidance, connection, and serenity. So, you don’t have to be religious to be spiritual.
Whether you share similar views regarding spirituality, you and your partner are on individual journeys. Most importantly, each of you should seek to support and respect each other’s spiritual journeys without passing judgment or imposing your rituals on one another. After all, respect is a fundamental act of love.
Why Should You Nurture Your Spirituality?
As our lives become chaotic during active addiction, we lose control and self-regulation. We lose our willingness to exert effort towards attaining or achieving goals, e.g., eating healthy or establishing a good relationship with our children. Spiritual practices, such as meditation, mindfulness, and prayer provide the scaffolding and space to establish self-regulation and reconnect with ourselves.
“Spirituality is all about positive emotions” – George E. Valliant
Spirituality is associated with positive emotions like love, hope, joy, and awe. We engage in soul work to break down our fixation with self, the blame of others, and condemnation of our moral failings. We begin to shift our energy towards forgiveness, compassion, and especially gratitude.
In early recovery, we often carry emotional baggage. We drag along the shame from substance dependence or a sense of failure from not being able to help our partner in active addiction. This emotional baggage limits our growth and healing. Spirituality fosters forgiveness and compassion. We learn to forgive ourselves and our partners, moving forward without self-recrimination and needing to point the blame finger.
The Present Is A Gift
Spirituality teaches us the powerful skill of being present, to stop holding onto regrets from our past behaviors. We let go of our worries about the uncertainty of tomorrow. Living in the present creates the space we require to grow our awareness of self by connecting with ourselves in the now. We raise self-awareness by asking questions, such as “Where in my body do I feel tension?,” “How do I react to discomfort?,” and “What calms me?”
We also train ourselves to put into perspective our everyday concerns about our health, family’s safety, bills, meeting deadlines, or even deciding what to cook for dinner. By practicing mindfulness, we take a break from our spinning minds. We focus on what we’re doing now to be present to ourselves and our partner. For example, when having dinner, practice having a conversation with your partner about their day. Also, pay attention to the meal you are sharing. The present is a gift that brings lightness.
Developing Self-Awareness Through Spirituality
As addiction enters our relationship, we find it challenging to define ourselves. We become detached from the morals, values, and interpersonal and social roles we previously aspired to. Spirituality requires us to be introspective and develop self-awareness. Through spiritual practice, we secure a safe place to sort through our past behavior, take responsibility for ourselves, and, ultimately, create a healthier sense of self.
With close self-examination, we get in touch with our emotions. Consider questions, like “What stirs positive and negative emotions in me?” and “What triggers the feelings of shame or guilt for me?” The aim of self-awareness is to regulate the emotions we feel in the moment and learn how to identify, accept, disregard, or encourage the emotions that arise within us, controlling our “fight or flight” response when faced with uncomfortable emotions.
One way to regulate our emotions is by expressing them. Unwind your emotions through journaling or sharing your experiences with someone you’re comfortable with. This creates a “discharge of affect.” When we’re in a heated argument with our partner, we choose to pause, take a step back, call a friend, or take a walk. We find ways to break the downward spiral and be less dominated by our emotions. As a result, we bring light to our emotional struggles and recognize them without acting upon them. It’s the concept of “seeing our emotions rather than being our emotions.” Our emotions, once acknowledged and shared, are more successfully regulated.
Increased Awareness Of Our Partner
Self-awareness increases our emotional and physical awareness of our partner. We become more present in our interactions, listen to them more intently, seek to understand their triggers, become more attuned to their emotions, and present to their discomfort. Observe your partner’s emotional cues. Do they seem upset after returning from work? Ask them how they are. Listen to your partner non-defensively, refrain from fixing their struggle and instead provide empathy as they express their emotional concerns.
Breaking From The Reactivity Chain
When we get into conflict with our partner, we get caught up in the heat of the moment. As a result, we get sucked into an emotional whirlwind. Unintentionally, we may press hot buttons, trigger each other, cross boundaries, or spew hurtful comments. Led by our emotions, the hurtful tit for tat continues.
We hone our ability to break free from the reactivity chain and act instead by nurturing our spirituality. Tapping into our internal serenity, we ask ourselves: “Why am I reacting this way?” We name the emotions we are feeling in the moment: “Am I feeling overwhelmed, betrayed, angry, insecure, afraid, or perhaps embarrassed?” The key is to practice observing our emotions, accepting them without judgment, and acknowledging their non-permanence.
Another way to interrupt the reactivity chain is to bring your mind to the present and ground yourself through your senses. Consider looking deep into your partner’s eyes, noticing the hues in their iris. Or reach out for their hands to center on your sense of touch. Or if the moment is too heated, stand up and connect your feet to the floor to literally ground yourself.
Research has also shown that spiritual practices serve as a “time-out,” giving us a chance to regain perspective and deemphasize winning the argument. It breaks our negative thought cycle, neutralizing our impulse to retaliate. Relationships will naturally experience moments of rupture – spirituality helps us repair and reconnect. Our increased self-awareness will allow us to acknowledge the disconnect without panicking, as well as progressively shorten the period of rupture.
Spirituality As A Domain of Wellness
“Wellness is maintaining myself physically, mentally, psychologically, and spiritually so I can be best version of myself to support the many roles in my life.” – Brad Sorte
Spirituality is one of the six components of wellness1, key to building resilience so we may thrive amidst life’s challenges. As we follow The ASCENT Approach, we create our community (See Create Your Community) to maintain our social wellness and engage in our lives (See Engage in Your Life) to feel good in our bodies. We nurture our soul and spiritual health to feel good in our skin, which in turn nurture our relationships in addiction recovery.
1Dr. Bill Hettler, co-founder of the National Wellness Institute, proposed six components of wellness: emotional, occupational, physical, social, intellectual, and spiritual.
Read More About The ASCENT Approach
JFA produced a series of articles on our blog that explore each component of The ASCENT Approach in greater detail. We encourage anyone interested in this approach to check out these articles to better understand the practices of the approach.
